美国晚间脱口秀笑话节选

"Obama announced today we are finally, it’s official, getting out of Iraq. Because the way the economy is going, we’re going to need the troops here, for, you know, riot control." --Bill Maher (09.2.27)
“奥巴马今天宣布我们将终于，这是正式的，撤离伊拉克。因为眼下美国经济的原因，我们国内会需要军队的，为了..那个..控制暴乱”

"Obama said he hopes the terrorists don’t follow us home, but if they do, and they want to bring down a building, the CitiCorp Center is at Lexington and 53rd." --Bill Maher  (09.2.27)
“奥巴马说他希望恐怖分子不会跟着我们驻伊部队返回美国，但万一来的话，要是他们想摧毁一幢大厦的话，花旗集团中心大厦就在列克星敦大道和53街交界处。”

"George W. Bush is doing pretty well for a retiree. Our former president will hit the lecture circuit next month for a reported $150,000 per speech. Actually, it’s $150,000 for the speech, and an extra 25 grand if you want to throw shoes at him. 150,000 seems like a lot to pay to hear someone who can’t speak give a speech." --Jimmy Kimmel   (09.2.25)
“乔治·布什退休生活过得很不错。我们的这位前任总统下个月起将巡回演讲，据报每场演讲15万美元。实际上，15万美元是给演讲，如果你想向他扔鞋的话，得外加2万5千美元。对一个连话都说不清的人来说，15万美元一次演讲是很多钱了。”

"Obama said that we can overcome this crisis if we’re all willing to work hard and make sacrifices. In other words, we’re screwed, because those are two things we’re not good at around here." --Jimmy Kimmel (09.2.25)
“奥巴马说我们如果都愿意努力工作并作出牺牲的话，我们就能够克服这场危机。换句话说，眼下我们完蛋了，就是因为那两件事正是我们这里不擅长的。”

"President Obama gave his first State of the Union address to a joint session of Congress tonight. Obama focused on the three most critical things he wants Americans to understand: first, that the economy is in a lot of trouble; second, that the road to recovery won’t be easy; and third, that it’s all  President Bush’s fault." --Jimmy Kimmel   (09.2.24)
“奥巴马总统今晚在国会参众两院联合会议上作了第一次的国情咨文演说。奥巴马演讲的重点放在他希望美国人民了解的三个最关键性的方面上：第一，经济很麻烦；第二，复苏不容易；第三，这都是前总统布什的错。“

"some of our nations largest banks have been described this week as 'dead men walking.' The New York Times says they are insolvent, and here's the thing. Nobody will say the names of the banks, because you say the names, their stock will tank even worse. But here's a hint: one of them rhymes with s**tty bank,' and the other rhymes with 'skank of America.'" --Bill Maher  (09.2.20)
”本星期我们国家的一些超大银行被形容为'僵尸散步‘ 纽约时报说它们已资不抵债了。重点来了。每人会提这些银行的名字，因为一旦提了这些银行的名字，这些银行的股价会跌得更惨。不过可以给点提示：一家银行的名字和’s-h-i-tty‘(低劣的)押韵，另一家银行的名字和'skank(烂货)of America'押韵。”

"And at his trial this week, the Iraqi journalist, remember the one who threw his shoes at  President Bush, remember that guy? Well, he said he rehearsed the attack for two years, rehearsed it for two years, even videotaped himself doing it. Well, how embarrassing is that? Guy practiced for two years and he still missed?" --Jay Leno   (09.2.20)
“本周在那个伊拉克记者的审判时，记得吗？那个向前总统布什扔鞋的，记得那家伙吗？嗯，他说，他演习这个攻击两年了，排练了两年，甚至还给自己录了像好分析动作的准确度。那么，这是多么尴尬的事啊，练了两年，居然还是没击中。”

"Airports all around the country now are switching from metal detectors to those high-tech scanning machines that show a naked image of your body. And this is raising a lot of privacy concerns, especially among women. The good news? Airport security guys now are paying attention 100%." --Jay Leno  (09.2.19)
“美国各地机场现在都不用金属探测器，而改用那些高科技扫描器，那种可以显示出你身体赤裸图像。而这引起了许多隐私的担忧，尤其是女性。好消息是，负责机场安全的那些家伙现在可是100％地全神贯注于工作了。”

"There's a new study that says that in America, rich people are ruder than poor people. This is shocking because I didn’t know America had any rich people left." --Craig Ferguson   (09.2.19)
“一份新的研究报告说，在美国，有钱人比穷人更粗鲁。这可是令人震惊，因为我都不知道美国现在还有有钱人。”

"Hey, the market went up three points today, so the stimulus package is working. Yeah! It’s a miracle!" --Jay Leno   (09.2.18)
“嘿，股市今天上涨了3点，看来政府的经济刺激计划管用了。是啊！这真是奇迹。”

"In a new ranking of U.S. presidents by 65 historians, President Bush came in fifth from the bottom. And here’s the bad part -- the margin of error was five." --Jay Leno   (09.2.18)
“在由65位历史学家对历任美国总统的最新排名中，前总统布什名列倒数第五。不幸的是——误差为5。”